Sinking of the Heart

October 14 and I am 17 weeks along. It had been three weeks since that first sign of bleeding and it was finally coming to an end. I was feeling some sense of normalcy and we were taking the days as they came. I settled back into our routine a little easier, hoping that my body was taking care of itself. I was relieved to wake up to a new day with no bleeding. It was easier to be optimistic. 

In between dealing with the pregnancy, we were getting ready for another change. We had to move. Our lease was ending November 26th and our renewal rate at our current apartment was raised $150, an amount we just couldn't handle. Some time in all of this chaos, I found time to research new apartments and we visited nine communities. The last day, the last apartment and we found it. It was beautiful. It was larger than our current place and it was almost $100 cheaper. It was also in a different part of Austin. We lived in the Southwest and this was in the Northwest about 35 minutes away. It was too good of an offer to pass up. 

Before I knew it, almost three more weeks had passed by. I was a few days shy of 21 weeks. Between living day to day and planning for our move, the time seemed to pass in a blink. Out of nowhere, it seemed, Seth got an email from a Craigslist person asking about the drums. The ad was a couple of months old! We had forgotten it was still up. The buyer didn't want the full set, but definitely wanted them and could meet us with cash. $400. Perfect! Remember, we only needed $500 for the first doctor appointment, so this was happening at the perfect time! We waited until the weekend came so they were able to meet at an easier time than after work when it was dark. Drums SOLD.

November 13, a Tuesday. I am 21 weeks and 2 days pregnant. We call and make our appointment. Finally!!!

I am too far along, they said.

WHAT?? I couldn't get prenatal care because I didn't have the funds, and now I can't get prenatal care because I am TOO PREGNANT?? This is almost comical. The woman on the phone stutters and stumbles around. We can't believe it. But we have the money, we say. She finally says that she has to ask around and see if one of the doctors will take me on, but chances are low because I am so far along. She says she will have to call us back. We hang up the phone and both of our mouths are wide open. We just stare at each other for a while.

What am I supposed to do now? Just hang out and have my first ever doctor appointment be the day I go into labor? If we would have known that you can be denied a doctor because you are too pregnant, we would have hustled more, sold more, begged even, for money. Now, we are dumbfounded by the fact that there was a chance that I would have no doctor.

Too pregnant to start prenatal care. This is just one thing I could not and cannot wrap my head around. If we weren't in panic mode before, I sure was in it now. I texted my sister, too in tears to call. She couldn't believe it either. She got online to see what she could find. In the meantime, no phone call from the OB's office. A few hours later, we couldn't wait. I told Seth to call them back and see if they had made a decision yet. While he was doing that, I was on the phone with my sister and she had found a program that said they could take me, but I needed to go through an interview to see if I qualified for their help. This was a legitimate, sit down, face to face interview. Fine.

Seth yelled out to me that the OB decided to take me! The appointment was on the following Tuesday, on the 20th. I decided to go ahead and call the other clinic just to see what they had to offer. If there was even a small chance that we could qualify for assistance, I'd take it. I applied for the MAP (Medical Assistance Program) by phone and was denied. They said I could still come in for their in house assistance but it was the one that required an interview. Great. I'll do it. The next available appointment they had was November 26.

Do we chance cancelling the OB appointment for the interview appointment? Do we chance going to the OB but then losing $500 because we end up qualifying for the other program? Ugh. Forget it.

We choose the OB. 7 days. In 7 days we will get to see our baby's heart beat. In 7 days we get to see the baby move on the sonogram screen. In 7 days we may even see the gender of our sweet little baby. 7 days!! The weight and burden of not having prenatal care has been lifted. I can breathe easy for a while. Seth can finally breathe, period! Sweet 7 days!

In 3 days, my heart sinks.

Friday, November 16 at 4 pm, my water breaks. I am 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

The Small Sacrifices

You know, I have found that living through a chain of events is nothing compared to taking a step back and taking in the "Reader's Digest" version.  Seth has been reading along with all of you at home and he has commented on a few occasions that he has been almost wowed reading and revisiting all of the emotion. It seems to be the most difficult thing to live through the moment, but when you can take a step back, it is easier to see- yes, the heartache, but also the blessings. The blessing that we lived through it. We made it through. We are here and that place in time has already passed. I'm hoping that I can take this feeling with me and look back on the difficult time I am having now and be filled with the blessing of knowing...Yes, it was hard, but we made it through.

To Resume the Story:

We are in the thickness of it all. No working car, low money and mounting medical bills. September 23rd, 14 weeks pregnant and bleeding. At least the rest of my family is healthy.

After a few days of being stuck with no vehicle, it's action day because we need to get to the grocery store. We are still being optimistic that the car's only problem is the battery, so I scour prices on the internet to see what the damage may be. Seth has been working hard and with some help he gathers the extra money to pay for a new battery and labor. We call upon Pop a Lock and have success again. We have a 30 minute drive to the dealership (price of battery, plus labor at our dealership was a better deal than buying a single battery at a parts store) and pray that we make it through the drive. It is so nerve wracking for me, being a planner, to not know. Uncertainty and I aren't the best of friends. Thankfully, it didn't take long for them to report back to us that is was just an old battery. We didn't know because we assumed when we bought it 2 years ago that it would have a new if not new-ish battery. Relief.

When we got home, I spent some time looking at my discharge papers from the ER. Like the other doctor's visit, the ER doctor referred us to an OB who had an office in the building next to the hospital. Since the car fiasco was settled, we called the OB office to get a quote. The answer was almost too good to be true. 

They weren't asking for large amounts of money up front like all the others, just a series of deposits. $500 deposit for the first appointment and $2900 deposit due by the 7th month. Also, like we had found out before, it would be an extra $200 per sonogram and $100-300 for lab work to be billed and paid separately. They couldn't tell us how much it would be in total, but we already knew it would be in the ten thousands based on the multitude of phone calls we had made earlier. We still had 3 months until we had to come up with the larger deposit and $500 for the first appointment seemed to make getting prenatal care within our reach.

Like a lot of you know, when you make a budget for your home, you have to also budget in extra money or else it will not be there. Well, at this point in time, our budget could only accommodate for household bills and grocery items exactly, with meals planned to the day. Seth continued to work hard at his businesses and we tried to save up the extra money as quickly as possible. When things weren't going as speedy as we'd hoped, we had to visit our quick cash options. Sell our stuff.

When we moved from Spokane to Austin, we sold the bulk of our belongings, bringing over only a television and computer, baby stuff like highchair, bouncy and toys, and our clothes (and whatever other small things we stuffed into the storage pod that we couldn't sell or part with) . No couch or beds or kitchen furniture. No pots or pans, dishes or cups. We wanted to start fresh. 

When it came time to inventory our belongings to see what we were willing to part with, we found that we didn't have much. We had consolidated during the move and had only bought what we needed up until now. There were a few random electronics that we thought would sell, some beauty items that I had, and some toys from Evelyn's stash. It really wasn't enough to get a hundred dollars from. There was one thing that we had stored in the closet that held value, not just monetarily, but emotionally. Seth's drums (not drum set, but percussion instruments like congas and bongos, timbales etc). Percussion has been Seth's passion since high school. It is in his veins. He is very talented. He toured nationally and internationally with a small band for a few years after high school and has never lost the love of performing. That's why Austin was such a treat for the musician inside of him. When the time was right, he wanted to try and find a small group to play with for fun, for the artistic release. Most landlords and neighbors in apartments do not like you to play any kind of musical instrument, and with good reason. So, in the closet they stayed. Until now.

It was the first thing he went for when we were trying to decide what to do. They could get us close to a thousand dollars. My heart couldn't handle it. I wouldn't let him give up that important piece of himself. When another week passed and the bleeding continued, the pressure was getting to all of us. He came to me sometime that week very happy. He had a buyer for the drums. He put them up for sale without me knowing. I was sad and relieved at the same time. Lucky for my guilty heart, the sale did not go through. Unlucky for the prenatal situation, we didn't have the deposit. I told him it wasn't meant to be and that we would find another way.

The Wait and See Game Begins

I'm nervous as I walk into the ER alone since Seth and Evelyn went to find a place to park the car. I told the woman at the window that I was 14 weeks with some bleeding and I was surprised to be admitted immediately. I get to a room and a nurse comes in to ask questions and take vitals. Of course, we visit the -why haven't you had prenatal care yet question- and then she leaves for a bit. Seth and Evelyn make it to the room by now and shortly after, the nurse returns saying she would be drawing blood for labs. Everything is happening swiftly and I'm in a little bit of a daze. At least panic hasn't had a chance to really set in.

The ER doctor came and asked the appropriate questions: first day of last period, how many weeks I thought I was, who was my OB, when/how much was the bleeding, etc. She left saying that since she was not an OB that she would call someone from the maternity floor to come do a sonogram and then we'll go from there. Our first sonogram! My heart was excited to finally see if my baby had a heartbeat (a worry I had had all along) and it was also sad that it was under these circumstances.

The sonographer came in and tried to do a belly sonogram, but was unable to see anything. Vaginal it was then. Small problem...I was in a regular ER bed and had no where to prop my feet. She stuffed some towels and blankets in a pillowcase, balled it up and placed it under my hips. I just had to bend my knees and try to keep my booty off the bed. Uncomfortable. I wasn't able to see the screen because of the angle I was laying, but Seth and Evelyn got to see it. I did crane my head when she said she had the heartbeat fluttering on the screen. We had a heartbeat! She scanned and measured for a while, not saying much because she said she wasn't really allowed to give us information. Seth said the baby was a mover and a shaker. My legs started to madly shake from holding myself up so long, so she apologized and tried to move along. When she was done, she said she was taking her info and sharing it with an OB doctor upstairs who would then discuss his opinion with the ER doctor. ER doctor came in and said that they didn't see any active bleeding and the baby seemed to be doing fine. She went on to say that sometimes bleeding happens and they don't know the reason why. It was a wait and see game. Wait for extreme gushes. Wait for cramping. I was discharged. We got to the car in the garage, mostly silently because of the we don't know what's causing this reasoning, only to find the car doesn't start.

When it rains, it pours, right?

What's the first thing you think of when your car doesn't start. Check the gas level, hope it's the battery. The little ray of sunshine in our storm is that we pay for roadside assistance under our car insurance. Thankfully its not too hot outside and Evelyn and I wait on a bench in she shade while Seth waits by the car. 30 minutes later, Pop a Lock arrives and gives us a jump. Car starts right up. We go straight home.

Before going in though, Seth turns off the car and tries to turn it back on. No luck. Looks like we'll need another jump or a tow to the mechanic.

You Haven't Had Prenatal Care??!!

Well, we can't say for sure what made us sick. Seth's sickness lasted only a few days. Thankfully, Evelyn was safe. I didn't seem to be affected until a day or two after Seth. Many of you have had food poisoning or stomach flu or something similar and you know the majority of the day is spent on or around the toilet. I was terrified that it was a virus or something contagious at first so I sent Seth out to buy the largest bottle of Lysol he could find. I bleached what I could first and then Lysol-ed everything. I washed the linens and scrubbed kitchen surfaces just to be sure. We washed hands all day and sprayed after every bathroom trip: Toilet seat, toilet handle, sink knobs and basin, soap pump and door knobs. It became a kind of ritual.

Obsessive? Maybe. I can handle me being sick, but my heart absolutely breaks when germs go after my baby. I was just concentrating on keeping Evelyn well, and after a few days she seemed to be fine. Now, I didn't ignore my health or Seth's. I made sure we ate and drank appropriately. I researched diarrhea in pregnancy and made sure I kept extra hydrated and ate as much as my tummy could handle. After Seth got better and I didn't, I started to worry. I kept thinking that I was getting better because when I woke in the mornings, everything seemed to be fine and working properly. As soon as the afternoon came, I had to camp out in the bathroom. This am I/am I not thing lasted a couple of days and I couldn't take it any more. I was scared for the baby because I had also read that diarrhea could be a sign of miscarriage. I made an appointment at a clinic so I could get some peace of mind.

During this whole episode, I was still researching financial aid options as well as private insurance companies. Even though it would be upwards of $400 per month for individual health plans, it seemed better than the tens of thousands in the long run.

You learn new things every day. Pregnancy is considered a preexisting condition. We couldn't buy insurance if we wanted to because I wouldn't qualify. I sure was tired of hearing that sentence.

My visit to the clinic went fine. The doctor got on to me, of course, because I had not gotten prenatal care yet. I was 13 weeks. She did an exam and my cervix was healthy and closed and she didn't seem to be too concerned with the diarrhea. The only thing I left with was a bill and a referral to an OBGYN. Fine, at least my cervix was behaving.

I went home, nerves and belly already feeling better and began calling the list of OBs on the back of the doctor's referral. Seth and I set up a mini call center, calling clinics and hospitals off the list. I also had a list of OBs I had found on the internet that I had taken a liking too. When asking for a quote, we got the same answer over and over. First appointment would be $1000. $1500. $1200. We also got a few, "Oh we can't tell you that"s. Day ruined.

Later on that week, my hard working mister was preparing to go on a trip to Seattle for a conference. A trip that he had worked extremely hard for. Hard enough that the company paid for his round trip airfare. For two! Unfortunately, we couldn't afford an extra ticket for Evelyn, so I was unable to be his plus one. It was fine. He deserved to go, so he invited his dad to accompany him. Evelyn and I took him to the airport on September 20th, a Thursday, at 11.

Evelyn and I had an uneventful morning. I was feeling achier than usual, but it wasn't a big deal.

3pm. I start to bleed. Seth is gone. I start to panic. I called him and we decided to wait and see if it gets worse. He is due back on the 22nd. I wait. It is gradually getting worse, but it isn't horrible...kind of like a regular period. I pick him up from the airport Saturday evening. Well, the flow got heavier, so Sunday, September 23rd at 2pm we head to the ER.

I am 14 weeks pregnant.

Too Much but Not Enough

I assumed that because I am considered a single adult, as in not married, that I had a very good chance of being qualified for Medicaid, especially being pregnant and unemployed. Apparently not. I also assumed that we would be considered a family of 4, with the baby included. Wrong again.

When you apply for Medicaid, they have to do an interview either in person or by phone. You also have to give them a plethora of financial proof, birth certificates for children, etc. Usually, when you apply for pregnancy medical, or any kind of pregnancy assistance, they expedite your application and say that they will get back to you in about 15 days for an interview as opposed to a month or more. I actually jumped the gun and applied for Medicaid at the end of July, on the 27th as soon as I had a positive home test.

I turned in all my paperwork early and waited for my phone interview. When my caseworker called on the 10th of August, he started going through the interview questions and found that he didn't have my paperwork. He decided to just ask me questions about the paperwork and enter the information in manually. I didn't even get a full interview. After about 2 minutes he got to the income question and he stopped in his tracks and said to me, "Oh no. You don't qualify." That was it. End of interview. I was caught off guard and my emotions got the better of me. I told him that I didn't understand and he just apologized and ended the phone call.

I immediately got on the computer and researched being denied Medicaid. I found that CHIP, the children's state insurance, had a perinatal program. I immediately applied. I submitted my application online and waited for some kind of confirmation as it said they would contact me by email with further instruction. About a week later, I got a call from the Texas Star program saying I needed to pick out my insurance plan. My INSURANCE PLAN! I spent 15 or 20 minutes on the phone going through all the available plans and made my decision. I told the woman that I was confused because she kept saying Medicaid and I explained to her that I was told that I didn't qualify. She said that Medicaid usually automatically passed their denied applications over to CHIP. So it had to be for CHIP. She also said that she hadn't gotten the full OK from CHIP or Medicaid or whoever, but that they have you pick out a plan early so that when you do get officially accepted, you can immediately start your insurance plan. YESSS!

I waited to hear from CHIP. And waited. I hadn't seen a doctor yet, and I was really anxious to get things started. Also, a mini tragedy in the income department was unraveling. I won't go into detail this time, but our income got chopped almost in half. I checked the CHIP website every day for any kind of news. I finally got an email on September 6 saying they needed info and a letter would be sent. On the 12th I called their office to say I hadn't received a letter so I did not know what documents they required. I also told him that our income had changed significantly since the day I applied. He said that he wasn't sure as he didn't have the list in front of him, but a letter would be coming with sticker labels to be put on every document and I could fax and then mail them in. On the 14th I went ahead and faxed what documents I thought they needed, assuming they would need the same things as Medicaid. On September 15 I still hadn't received any letter, but I got an email saying "We received the information you sent us. If we need more information from you or if we make a decision on your application, we will send you an email. This could take about one week." SO I got an email on the 19th to check the website because they had made their decision. DENIED!!

I called their phone line the next day (Monday) and asked why I was being denied since according to their website, I was under the income requirements. He told me that according to my application, we had made too much money. I pointed out that the bank statements and letters of earning clearly did not match what I had put on the application over a MONTH ago. So then he said I got denied because I didn't have the right proof of income. I had to explain to him that NO ONE told me exactly the things I needed and I sent what I thought was best. He had me download a form specific for people who are self employed and said that that was the correct document they needed. He also said that I could submit last year's tax return. He reassured me that if I sent in these documents, they would automatically reopen my case.

Great. I put together a whole new packet of info, along with an updated bank statement which had shown our monthly income go down even more as well as everything I was told to include. I wrote my case number on every page two inches tall in black marker so they knew it was me. I faxed it that day.

I haven't heard a peep from them since.

I was out of options. We made too much to qualify for assisstance, but not enough to pay for anything out of pocket.

Then, Seth and I got food poisoning.

Baby #2, and the Government

I found out that I was "officially" pregnant at the beginning of August. I went to a real clinic and everything!! This pregnancy test only cost me $22, far cheaper than what I had spent just months before during my phantom pregnancy. Oh, but it will not be the last dollar this wonderful new baby will cost me.

I will say that I am grateful for programs like Medicaid when it comes to food and medical assistance. There was a time when Seth and first-time-pregnant me wouldn't have survived without it when we lived in Washington state. This time around, as soon as I found out I was preggo with baby #2, I applied for Pregnancy Medical through the state of Texas.

Let me give you a background on our situation. No, Seth and I aren't married...yet. He did propose almost a year ago and I have a ring and all, I have just been waiting for that magical moment when the universe felt right and I felt skinny. haha! Then I got pregnant and well...let's just say the universe doesn't feel quite right yet.

When we lived in Washington, Seth had what most people would call a 'real' job. He had three of them, actually. Seth worked for two Adult Care facilities and he had his own art business, which I manned during the day. Right at the 'turn' of the economy when all the layoffs started to happen, well, it happened to us. He got laid off from both facilities and no one was in the mood to buy art. Fortunately, he was able to get unemployment and more fortunate that that, he was able to find a new job in about a month, working for a lawn care company. In Texas, a company like that could easily operate year round, but not in Spokane, Washington. Seth worked through the summer, advancing quickly in the company, until they closed for the winter. Laid off again. Unemployment again. This time we had it until it ran out, if I remember correctly, into the new year. Now, I was newly pregnant during this whole time, starting from the first layoff, so I had the luxury of staying home. I delivered Evelyn on December 17 and took her home on Christmas Eve. All was good. But then we were running out of money and food stamps and Seth was having a hard time finding another job. Enter the world of Network Marketing.

This world can be filled with wonderment and joy as quickly as it can turn into worry and pain. I can't complain too much because it alone has kept our family afloat for nearly a year and a half. It has afforded us a move across country to Texas. It has provided us with a great apartment and plenty to eat. Most of all, it has given Seth and I the extreme luxury of being with Evelyn from the moment she opened her beautiful eyes. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

The downside comes when the income fluctuates. When having to do taxes. When filling out any type of government form. It is considered self employment, and when you have two and sometimes three online marketing companies compensating you for your work, it is hard to explain to people on paper, I guess. We don't get pay stubs. We don't get paid on a regular weekly or biweekly basis. Last year's tax return has NOTHING to do with proving how much, or how little we are making this year. We don't have company provided insurance.

When I decided to apply for Medicaid this time around for pregnancy medical, at the beginning of my application we were making a good amount of money. Before you judge me, you must know that I am an avid Googler and researcher and I started to find out how much it would be to pay for a pregnancy out of pocket. Holy Cow. I got as far as finding the cost of just the day of delivery...a whopping $15-20,000. Yes, thousand. I called a few hospitals to confirm. Nope, I was applying for Medicaid.

Quit Pretending You Don't Like Reading TMI

We were never 'trying', but we were never not trying. We put it out for the universe to decide.

Some time at the end of July this year, 2012, I found out I was pregnant. I am 28 years old, my fiance, Seth, is 32, and our baby girl, Evelyn, is 2. I was beside myself with happiness. I knew my body was a little...crazy...based on the experience I had being pregnant with Evelyn. But, they say every pregnancy is different!

Just to reiterate the craziness that is the inner-workings of my body (and mind? haha), just a few months before, in April to be exact, my brain had (subconsciously??) convinced my body I was pregnant. I guess deep down I wanted a baby that bad. I had terrifically strong cravings for soup. I was nauseous all the time. Headaches, back aches, extreme fatigue. Pretty normal signs of pregnancy. Oh, and there was the whole missed period thing. We bought a couple of at home tests and I anxiously waited for the result. 

Negative.

I waited two more days and tried again. Negative. Waited about a week. Still no period, so we bought a couple more tests. And a couple more. Those suckers get expensive fast. After a feverish search on Google and obsessing over infertility and brand comparison sites, I talked him into getting a few tests from the Dollar Tree (which had very high accuracy ratings, FYI) just to satisfy my new habit. All negative.

A little over a month of these shenanigans and I was about ready to pull out my hair. I just knew I was pregnant. I had all the signs. I even thought I felt the butterfly movements, but quickly had to reality check myself and remember that those only came after about being 18 weeks along. I waited until the beginning of June, some time in that first full week, to go to a clinic to take an ''official'' pregnancy test, thinking that the test they use was somehow stronger than mine. It's not, by the way. 

Let me preface the next paragraph by saying that I am not a non-believer in Jesus Christ. I do consider myself a Christian and I was raised Catholic. I feel that I am more quiet and hold my relationship with God close to my heart and I don't feel the need to push my beliefs on any one person, nor do I feel that I have to explain or justify any of it. I understand that some people feel compelled to share their view on how a relationship with God should be with everyone. I can understand it coming from a good place. I understand, but I don't have to like or agree with their degree of...enthusiasm.

WARNING: Religion topic discussed. Opinions being shared. Quit reading if you get offended easily.......
Kinda short version: the clinic ended up being a converted house somewhere on Manchaca, just off of Ben White, if you are familiar with Austin. I went alone for some reason I can't remember now, but still went in. Old Lady Headquarters. Where bored, old ladies went to pass time. (my opinion, don't get offended. again, just skip paragraphs.) After being chastised for being pregnant and not yet married, I was attacked with the 'are you saved' question after filling out a questionnaire. ("I see that you are Catholic, but are you saved? Prove it to us and just recite this prayer so you can be saved for sure.") I refused and got a bunch of literature about Hell and even a complimentary New Testament tossed into my lap. I hadn't even taken the dang test yet! Finally took my test and, negative. It was like a switch had gone off for them and they shooed me out the door.

I think after that whole clinic ordeal, I was somehow a little turned off of the idea of being pregnant. Maybe I need to thank those crazy old ladies. I guess my body relaxed enough to back off and my monthlies returned the following week.