Precursor

A Pregnancy....

Perfection.

Excitement.

Happiness.

Fear.

If you listened to my heart , I would say that I wanted a second child ever since Evelyn turned a year old. If you listened to my mouth, I would say the complete opposite. I was terrified. Sad, really. My pregnancy with Evelyn was not easy. I thought I had it SO bad.

I had bleeding in my third trimester. I had high blood pressure and gestational diabetes. I had pinched sciatic nerves which kept me in so much pain, I couldn't stand. 

I found out I had a bicornuate uterus.

A bicornuate is described as having a heart shaped uterus. Instead of a nice roundish, pear shaped uterus, mine was almost split in two. It has two 'horns', two chambers, if you will. Just like a heart. Not like a human heart. More of a lopsided heart, like how a boy would draw it, with the two middle points closer to each other.

I didn't really look into what it meant to have a heart shaped uterus until after Evelyn was born. It isn't a nice read.  A quick read on wikipedia brings:

"Pregnancies in a bicornuate uterus are usually considered high-risk and require extra monitoring because of association with poor reproduction potential.A bicornuate uterus is associated with increased adverse reproductive outcomes like:

• Recurrent pregnancy loss: the reproductive potential of a bicornuate uterus is usually measured by live birth rate (also called fetal survival rate).^[3]

• Preterm birth: with a 15 to 25% rate of preterm delivery. The reason that a pregnancy may not reach full-term in a bicornuate uterus often happens when the baby begins to grow in either of the protrusions at the top. A short cervical length seems to be a good predicter of preterm delivery in women with a bicornuate uterus.^[4]

• Malpresentation (breech birth or transverse presentation): a breech presentation occurs in 40-50% pregnancies with a partial bicornuate uterus and not at all (0%) in a complete bicornuate uterus.^[5]

• Deformity: Offspring of mothers with a bicornuate uterus are at high risk for "deformities and disruptions" and "malformations."^[6]

I was lucky. Even with all my complaints, Evelyn was born just a little early at 35 weeks. She was in the NICU for only a week afterwards. We had it good.

That's why I kept telling myself, and everyone, out loud that I didn't want another child. Or that I wasn't sure if I wanted another. I did. Desperately. The only reason I couldn't say it aloud was because I had become so fearful of what MAY happen. I only got close to Seth again because I convinced myself that I simply COULDN'T get pregnant.